he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
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