By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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