My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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