A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
i love accidental penises.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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