i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
