Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
