so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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