I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
