I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
