hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
