Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
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