you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
