Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
