The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
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