Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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