Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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