Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
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