I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
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You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
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I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
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