When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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