He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
