glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
