just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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