what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize
