we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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