FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
