so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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