hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
