Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Randomize
