just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
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