I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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