Are we in a gay sports bar?
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
