I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
