I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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