did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
