I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
thus making me awesome and them whores
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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