She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
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He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
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We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
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