I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
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