did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
No awkward lesbian experiences without me
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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