the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
