my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
