I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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