Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
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i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
No...this little piggys going to the bar
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
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after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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