I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
