never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Ketchup is God's man juice
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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