I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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