I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
