tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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