Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
