i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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