i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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