So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
