god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize