About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
