You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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