I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
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