My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
