I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
