This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
Just cropdusted the office
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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