Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
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My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
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I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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