well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
