Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
