Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
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