I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
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It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
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What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
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