And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
We had to coat check the pizza.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Randomize
