Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
